year in siv

Let's see. At this time last year I was just about at the end of my time in debauchery, radical debauchery. I had no liege, no care and nothing to lose. And then all of fate shifted the moment I tongue kissed my friends at the end of that dirty little hipster bar. _ _ _ _ took her drugs and left. Well more accurately, made a bunch of phone calls, withheld her pills and dragged it out for another two weeks but that was the moment it was essentially over. E3 had it out too, that was it for him, don't kiss a black man in public. Period. He held on to that shit for six weeks and showed up at the office to end it. Well, more accurately, he dragged it out for another month or two but that moment was it, over. That one hit me just as hard. Hard is a good word for it - we live hard, we play hard, we go down hard, we end each other with such course certainty and drag ourselves like rag dolls over the broken asphalt, usually high on something. Quick. It's over. Whack. And then it is. All in all, what goes down is a matter of pride and certainty. Each wants more than the next. Each wants another jewel, another dollar, another fuck, another heart, another year and will be willing to give up each, one by one, until the totality of it is something like a negative sum. Letting go is good. Necessary. But sad, like toy soldiers, individually sad, empty. Then the lonely time in the empty places is spent on romantic ideology or worse, sentimentality, awful, waiting for a time to return or a new one, more perfect than the last, to begin. Or if the utter pain of it comes to bear and lays one out cold then desperation sets in and efforts are made to salvage the pieces. I'm a salvager. I believe long gone and broken things can be brought to life for the love they failed to realize. On a phone call or a wish wars can be undone, crimes can be erased and we can march forward for all of our hapless wants and actions.

I tried to make it everyday. I made a pledge to do it but once the cancer came to town I faltered and missed here and there but managed to maintain one post per day on average as some days I gave two or more. Plus the pictures. Pictures will often suffice for several days. The right ones, rightly placed. I managed to make it and to make it known where I was and just how far off I choose to go. I started this on the 15 of January and I'll carry it out until then being certain that 365 entries for the year from January 15, 2008 to January 15, 2009 are complete. I'll do it for you. I'll complete this for you and for myself because I can't give up and I won't give up and I don't give up. A salvager.

Then there are two projects on the horizon; Buttercup & Rose, all of the dirt and scars, piss and shit, flora and joy that shoves us toward perfection, and next year's project with the big camera, views of tomorrow from what made me. Stay tuned.

Stay solid in the heat of it tonight. Stay warm and look your neighbor in the eye and hold out your hand and ride, supine to the motor...