DRC

“We believe in one god, the father the almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen... We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic church, one baptism for the forgiveness of sins… we look to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come. Amen. My head is full of that shit, pinning me down like a disease.”
“Oh, it’s no disease Danny Rose, you are the disease.”
“How so?”
“It is you who are a blight to belief.”
“You can teach people anything. In Rochester we teach each other how to scowl.”
“It’s survival, and you risk it. I’m not going to condone that behavior.”
“I didn’t ask for your personal blessing.”
“And I won’t give it.” I wanted the blessing – I didn’t want to go it alone. “Is there anything else?”
“Besides the empty thoughts? Besides the absolution?”
“Yes.”
“There is my loathing of you and also all the little sins that make up a person. Everybody has them, but I see them and they float in my consciousness like gnats.”
“You loath the priests?” I got him on that.
“Well, yes, as a social rule; I loathe what the priests have done. What the order of catholic priests has allowed.” He knew what I meant so he changed directions.
“What are the little sins?”
“Everything. Sex stuff. Small lies or rather, embellishments. Desire. Envy. Adultery. It gets easier but they are there and there is nothing more.”
“Nothing more?”
“There is nothing deeper. I have no will to lie.”
“But you are lying.” Pause. I listened for more. Nothing came.
“Finish it up then. Give me my penance.”
“Begin again. Lose your belief, forget yourself, begin again. And pray, 100 each, Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers.”
“That’s it?” I said in temptation.
“And don’t tempt the lord. Don’t temp the messenger.”
I nodded although I knew the man couldn’t see me.
I was at the end again and couldn’t see the ‘begin again.’ I was certain though about this, there was the end. I could feel an end.