all of it

The flow of snot ran from my skull and down the back of the throat slowly draining, draining, draining. It tickled the spirit that lives strangling the vocal chords and then came back up like an angry dog in short barks from the irritation. It is time for the movement of bile and blood through the spleen. It is spring and time for a change. Visiting Z I saw the restlessness in his gate. “Things are moving too slowly for me.” “I know.” “No, this place moves too slowly for me.” NYC does that, there is just way too much to see or do at any moment. To be bored in the city is to be stupid. Dreams of building the cabin ran through my draining skull. I almost opened my mouth but decided against it. This was the closest to the dream that is necessary. Over the hills there is also adventure but this one was enough. “We’ll get it painted by Saturday,” I replied referring to the new space. Z nodded – “I need a right hand.” That’s the hand he can’t move, he was right handed and now he can’t move it. In all the years we’ve done this I can recall only a handful of times that he referred directly and lamentably to his ailments. It’s springtime and time for a change. I just listened. Then abruptly as we watched the gold of the sunset grip the city he arose and announced, “OK, I gotta work.” “OK.” That meant I had to work too and set about that.

The day passed, filled with events and ended with the long road ahead. I gripped the camera in my pocket, my constant companion, and fiddled with the dial. Hadn’t been feeling it lately. Products and art products had their toll on the life – too much information and too quickly. I love it all so it’s hard to balance. Plus, I’ve been feeling distant. Distant from what I’ve wanted, distant from my old complaints, distant from her and you. I thought, the symbolism will become clear with time but now it is time for a change. So still, one a day but if the pictures don’t come, they don’t come and I’ll offer words or video or stillness or all of it. Maybe I’ll give you all of it. Maybe I’ll give it to you, all. I’ll maybe give it all.