two thousand eight

Terrible things come to pass and they remain private. My neighbor remains private. I am private. My good friend closes the door from shame. I fear what I may cause. Revelations are terrible, hard to imagine, never mind feel. We become fists of rage in our own making and our own making becomes useless bound wrists. I fear reporting it. I fear hurting anyone. I fear going it alone. I fear what may happen if I don’t report it and don’t follow the gifts where they take me. I fear they are all false gifts. I fear I am useless. I fear you are useless. I fear that fear will silence me. I fear that I will fall for a creed I do not believe. I fear I will fall creedless. I fear I will never love again. I fear I will never be loved again. I fear the worst. I fear my parents will disown me. I fear the weak will swarm my life and engulf it. I fear the strong will erase it. My neighbor fears me. She fears my power. My friends shun my brashness. My best of friends embrace it until it is lost. My lovers will comfort me then turn on me with the most vile hatred. My lover will draw a weapon and use it. My enemy will hesitate. I will face my enemy in his own home. My enemy fears me. Fear is my enemy. Fear is my hope and assurance that I am not mad. I love my enemy. I love my neighbor even as she attacks. I hold the hammer as a sword. My open life is a blunt anvil and my body is pinned against it. My mind and my body are not separate. Her mind and her body are not separate. Right now I am tested. Tomorrow I will be tested. God will make me poor. My neighbor believes god is my mind. I believe god is my mind. My mind believes my neighbors reason. My body is my mind. My body fights my neighbor. My neighbor attacks. My friends watch in fear. I fear for my friends. My friends fear for me. My friends will sometimes erase me. I will sometimes erase my friends. Most of this will remain private. For you. For me. Amen. Two Thousand Eight.